Why It Could Work
Time Apart Means Seeing the Other Person More Clearly
When you're not spending every day in each other's face it's actually easier to see the other person for who they are and how they've grown in your time together. With that boyfriend I just mentioned, I often found myself irritated with how independent he was, never accepting help from other people or admitting that he couldn't do everything himself.

As we spent time apart I found myself impressed with his ability to take initiative and handle things on his own. My view of him came into balance and I saw that his stubborn independence could be a really cool thing. Likewise, he often thought I was too careful but as time went on he saw how my careful personality has left me with few regrets and caused me to be a solid, trustworthy person.

How It Could Backfire
Okay, so we did learn to appreciate each other a lot more but I'm going to be honest, we didn't see the positive aspects of one another so clearly in the first phase of our split. In fact, that initial time apart only seemed to reinforce my negative attributes for him as he explored other friendships and relationships and found himself picking apart aspects of my personality that had been grinding at him subconsciously.

It wasn't until years apart and a couple failed relationships that he was able to come around and, perhaps through some rose-colored glasses and through the lenses of deep hindsight, see me as the mature and thoughtful woman I am as opposed to the skittish and scared girl he first viewed me as.


If you're hoping a split will help your partner to see the awesome parts of you that you see (or vice versa) you may be disappointed at first as you both come down from the pressure that the relationship, and your clashing personality traits had put on your lives, finding the space a huge relief.

Getting to know yourself better also means getting to know your own faults better, and truly facing them head on without the influence of another person swaying your perspective.
You'll Get to Know Yourself Better

I learned some pretty shocking things about myself during our split:
1. I'm really good at hula hooping (we always just watched Netflix together and weren't very active when we were together)

2. I love riding my bike (Again, not very active when we were together and we drove everywhere)

3. I need a lot of quiet, alone time. I don't like to constantly chit chat or have small talk, something I felt like I had to keep up with when he called me on his lunch breaks.

This is probably the single most gratifying aspect of taking a break - you get a lot of freedom to get to know yourself. Remember, in all this time that you've been with your partner, you've probably been bending and shaping yourself to fill their gaps, to balance the relationship, to maintain the status quo.

This isn't a bad trait to have, it's what most of us do in long-term relationships and marriages. But this can also rip at your identity, especially if you're young or have only dated one or two people and don't have a strong sense of self going into the relationship. Instead of recognizing that you have to take time to work on yourself, you may have slipped into believing that this magical relationship you landed in would heal all of your past hurts, anxieties and dilemmas that existed before your bond with your partner. As Dr. Lisa



Firestone says in this article for Psychology Today ,
"Within this illusion of fusion, or fantasy bond, both individuals begin to deteriorate as they repeat their early attachment patterns and retreat to childish or parental [her emphasis] ways of relating."

How It Could Backfire
I don't believe that getting to know yourself better can ever truly backfire. It can be painful but growth often is and as you get to know yourself better you may find that there are things about yourself you're not happy with. Maybe you'll realize that all of this time you've been blaming your partner for not being present enough for you, you were actually exhibiting
signs of codependency . Indeed, getting to know yourself better also means getting to know your own faults better, and truly facing them head on without the influence of another
person swaying your perspective.

Or, perhaps, you'll learn that you've been lying to yourself and your partner that you want to get married and start a family when what you really want is to backpack through Europe for three months.

Getting to know yourself better - or, your ex getting to know their self better could very well result in one or both of you realizing that your hopes and dreams simply don't line up anymore.

Spending Time With Other People Can Help You Define Your Priorities
Up until my boyfriend and I split up, we'd been planning on getting married, both certain that was the right direction for our relationship and our lives. When we split up I suddenly realized I wasn't that interested in getting married or being anyone's wife yet and he found that completing his education and travelling was more important to him than anything else at that point.



See, cutting our relationship out of the picture helped us to both realize that without that in the equation, our priorities were actually much different than we had thought they were.

Likewise, you may find that what was important to you in the context of a future with this person, becomes much less so when you end the relationship. Maybe you thought you wanted to move to the west coast with him when it turns out you really want to start a small business in the community you already live in. Maybe she was going to support you so you could be a stay at home parent but as you spend time apart you recognize that you really want to be a preschool teacher, not a housewife.

And maybe, just maybe, those new priorities
reignite the relationship and help you two to get back on track with a new perspective and a fresh focus.

How It Could Backfire
Or, one or both of you could come to the distinct conclusion that your changing priorities no longer match up. This is what happened to us. As he spent the next eight weeks after our split pursuing an education in his dream field and I spent time back home exploring the area with my old friends and digging my heels into my own studies, I realized that I really, really didn't want to move away, something I'd have to do if we stayed together, since his field of work required a ton of travel.

Sometimes, time apart will show you that you can't have your cake and eat it too. You may not be able to stay together and still pursue your individual priorities. These days, he's globetrotting his majorly educated butt off - something he always, always dreamed of, and I'm hunkered down in our hometown fulfilling my passions as a writer and planting roots in the town I've always loved. We're happier for realizing our true priorities and though it may feel painful now, if this happens to you, both your worlds will be brighter for it.