Can we really create a definition of love?
Scholars have been trying to define love for centuries. Folks like me who study human behavior have tried to offer a clinical
definition for decades. Love comes in many forms and is experienced among and between people in different ways. An example might be maternal love, whereby a mother has love for her child. We also have love that occurs for someone we care for, such as a friend or family member And then we romantic love – which is experienced between two individuals and involves intense passion. Romantic love usually is transformative if it is mutual felt by two people and is long lasting.
Let’s Stick with Romantic Love. Can You Define That Term?
It sounds like you are looking for a clinical description [laughs]. Here is my 25 cent definition according to research that has been underway for some time now.
Romantic Love is a multi-factorial phenomenon that involves an intense attraction towards another with emotional, psychological and physiological features.
That sounded kind of clinical didn’t it? Sorry but you asked for it [laughs].
Healthy Love
So what is the difference between loving someone and being obsessed with them?
That is a great question. Perhaps it is easier to look at this through the lens of chemistry. When we look at love and obsession from 30,000 feet, there are chiral elements involved, meaning that they look similar to one another but are very much different. I call it a kind of chiral love.
In healthy love, there is an intense attraction towards another that involves passion. When and if a relationship evolves, based on mutual feelings, that love transforms into a companionate type or love. In this scenario, two people have mutually shared feelings towards one another, to a lesser or greater degree and are supportive of each other. Love can be considered healthy here because it is nurturing, supportive, giving and affirming.
Both people trust one another in ways that are spoken and unspoken.
Is the Quality of Sex an Indication of Passionate Love?
While sex may be an important aspect of love in the beginning of the relationship, it becomes less important over the long term. By this I mean there is more than a physical attraction that sustains the romantic relationship. And so to answer your question, the quality of sex needs to measured through the lens of time. In the beginning of a relationship, its not uncommon to experience fireworks [laughs] for the first couple of years. After awhile though, there needs to be a lot more than a bedroom connection for anything lasting to occur. If all that exists are the fireworks, then we need to assess if this is an unhealthy kind of love. This is particularly true if a low degree of trust exists and a high degree of jealousy with an emphasis on physical attraction. The Greeks called this "Eros" or "erotic" love.
Unhealthy Love
And what about Obsessive Love or Unhealthy Love as you Put It?
Unhealthy love, such as what we see in an obsession, is really not love at all. Instead, it is a caustic condition whereby a person has intrusive thoughts about another and is unable to focus on much else except that
individual.Unfounded concerns about cheating, emotional infidelity and the like are usually at play. This is where you see the ugliness kick in with controlling behaviors, like making a person continually account for their whereabouts, monitoring their every move and otherwise not trusting them. It's a terrible downward vortex because the more they experience feelings of anxiety, the more they try to control.
And so typically, you will see that a person obsessed with another has in many ways become addicted to them and usually will have many elements of codependency in the mix. Relationships that are obsessive in nature usually never bode well for the long term. They are too caustic.
What makes them caustic?
Well, mostly because of the high degree of control we see, usually exerted by one individual on another. Trust in the other person simply is not there. Another feature is that the obsessed person does not know how to let go of an individual or the intrusive thoughts. They can become physically ill when they are not with that person or in close proximity of that person. As you can imagine, this is a real problem for all parties involved.
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